A poem

Too many things to say,
They're being left speechless most of the times,
Even "numb" is not the right word to describe,
How a girl can feel nothing to feel,

It's always uncanny,
How she tried so hard for that someone,
And the only thing she ever gets is that shitty feeling of unappreciated,

'Well maybe it's my fault',
Is how she tells herself every single time,
But even her can tell that enough is enough,

And so she moved on,
and funny enough then only she knows that she actually meant something,
Something she never thought she is ever capable of being,

But then she has just had enough,
Nothing short of miracle will ever able to bring 'her' back,

Because for her,
The old version of her has brought nothing but pain to her life,
And she's just not strong enough to continue being that girl,

That girl who just,
Can't stop blaming herself for things she didn't do,
Can't even solve a problem by her own,

And,
Can't even let a day passed without talking to him,

But he'll never know how she felt that time,
And even if he knows now,

It's just too late,
Cause she ain't turning back,
And she's gonna continue walking,
Till god knows if she's gonna fall in love again,

With him,
or with whoever she's destined to be with

Future seems a bit scary isn't it?

Hey dearies :)

It has been so long since I actually got the chance to even open my blog let alone to write it. Yeah well, what more to say than i'm an ib student -_-

For those who have never heard of IB, well here's a friendly meaning from urban dictionary :

                           

                                     
                           

Ok now enough of a little peek inside the fancy euphemism of hell, I actually need to blog this time because i'm so worried and i can't find anyone to be bothered about this. 

What am i worried about?

Well, future. I have just started applying for UK universities through UCAS and goddd it's so nerve breaking. Like shit, this thing suddenly feels real to me.

Plus, it's just about 6* months to IB exam and boy i'm not ready for it at all.

Not that i'm a slacker or what but guys unless you've been through ib, you'll never know what to imagine.

And it's a freaking sem 3 where we have to submit our mini thesis called Extended Essay (4000* words research about any subject in our syllabus) , our TOK essay ( a subject which question why apple is called an apple -.-), our IA's ( business commentary - 1500 words) and plus oral assesment(S), lab report(S) and a thousand other things you wouldn't even wish to know.

And now?

I've so far narrowed down my choice to:

1) University of Nottingham

2) University of Bath

3) Bristol

4) University of Manchester

5) King's College London

I'm just so nervous about my future right now. My only best hope is to let Allah decide what's best for me and try my best in IB. 

Well, i think that's it. 

Nice to finally able to let this thing out of my head :D

P/s: Pray for this poor nerve wreck girl will you? 

A story - Numb

Numb.

That was exactly the right word to describe how she has been feeling these days.

She knew that deep down; her heart is broken so bad she just couldn’t combine the pieces anymore.

 Losing her mom without any short notice or alarm or just a reminder that she should had behaved as a good daughter is just so unbearable to her.

She could have easily told her family members about how she is feeling at that time but she just couldn’t.

How can she?

The only one she would talk to at that time is just too far away no amount of distance could have reunited them, unless one tiny definite thing called …

DEATH

 Well, maybe she’s exaggerating.

Maybe other people are losing their feet while she’s mourning for her lost shoe but she just couldn’t care less.

And again that night, she woke up crying.

 The same dream she had since the “day”.

She knew exactly the meaning of the dream.

She knew she has to rise above this.

She knew the rain wasn’t over yet.

She knew the storm has yet to come.

A father.

Yeah she knew she still has that.

But nobody seems to get it.

 Mom’s death means that they can easily throw away her one and only father.

 She felt the pain throbbing through her chest.

Every time he came back, nobody seems to care anymore like mom did.

Nobody seems to be getting him water despite of his obvious frown.

She knew how much her father has been keeping everything inside.

 She knew how he suffered after mom’s death.

 She knew everything but she just couldn’t say a word anymore.

All she ever knew is that she still has her father and that she would do anything it takes to make him happy again.

 Even if it means she has to learn how to mince the onions despite of how many times she cried because she never knew that onions and past memories of her mom in the kitchen can make her cry that hard.

Yeah.

 That part is what she never knew before.

But what she knew is, she was a complete mess.

 She cooked that night and forgot to put any salt.

 But she didn’t even realise until she tasted it herself.

She felt like crying for the thousandth times seeing how her father just ate the meal as if it was the best meal he has ever tasted.

She gotta admit that was all she needed to be normal again.

But then you know life?

When you think it's over, apparently your problems are just starting,

and hell yes her worst nightmare is just starting to get into picture

Keep calm, He knows

Sometimes,

 we feel like the rest of the world is against us, 

but darling don't you remember, 

He's always there by your side, 

Sometimes,

we feel like we face the greatest lost, 

but darling did you forget ?

Hasbunallah wani'mal wakil (Cukuplah Allah sebagai penolong kami, dan Allah adalah sebaik-baik tempat bersandar).

(3. 173)

Sometimes, 

You think that everyone else is being unfair to you, 

but darling remember, 

one of His name is Al- Adl, 

and He is the only one you can hope for, 

that will never be unfair to His servants

and darling please remember one thing, 

when you feel so alone and sad, 

He's always there,

waiting for you to cry to Him,

and yet the best part is,

He never even left :)

You're lucky if

You're lucky if :

You have the one and only who'll never got tired to babble to you no matter how many times.

You have the person who would never ignore you no matter how big your mistakes to them are.

 You were being pushed by everyone else, but you have that one person you can go to no matter how hard things get. 

You have that one person who would believe you for the world no matter how many people pointed at you.

 You have that one who would wipe your tears no matter how ridiculous it was about. 

 You have the one who would cook for you your favourite food every single time you're home.

 You have the person who would buy every single cosmetics product when she noticed one tiny pimple on your face. 

 You have that one who would actually not sleep the whole night when you're sick.

And also you have the one who would wait impatiently for you to come home, just to welcome you. 

You know why you're so lucky ?

Cause i don't have all that,

while you still have your guardian angel, your mom.

Miss you mom forever and always. Al-Fatihah to my late mom.

Cause she is not just any woman, she is my mom

Hi dear readers :) And assalamualaikum to my muslim's readers.

It's 2.38 a.m in the morning and i still cannot close my eyes. Why? Lots of reasons actually which few of them is i gonna face my final like 3 days from now and then another reason is...

It's Mother's Day today and i , I , I really just want to make one special post  to reminisce all the memories I once had with my mother cause let's just say, I miss her, A lot.

So, here it goes.

• My mother brought me to this world on 25th of November 1994 by caesarean surgery at Hospital Bukit Mertajam, Pulau Pinang. Apparently, i was the only one out of 8 siblings that is born through surgery which until today makes me feel guilty for making her go through that sick process.

• I still remember the time when i use my savings (daripada tabung yang keluar music setiap kali letak syiling tu hehe) to buy my mom a batik pyjamas for her birthday.

• And those years of darjah 4,5,6 when my mom was my English teacher ( and i was really confused whether to call her ma or teacher :D). Having breakfast with her everyday at school, asking her money like three times a day cause my mom was always at the staff room and also that prank when she told me i didn't get 5A's in UPSR when actually she knew the result already.

• I am the last child so i was teased really badly by my five brothers and one uncle. Everytime i was teased, i will always find my mom, cried on her lap until i fell asleep and when i woke up i will always find out that my brothers had been scolded already by my hero,my mom.

• I was really thin back then because i was really choosy and only eat what i like. So, what she did is that she always ensure everyday's menu is my favourite( and she was the best cook ever i tell you)

• She was my model. If she bought jubah,I would ask for a jubah too and she would buy me the exact jubah for me even it was very hard to find the appropriate one for kids.

• 2007,I got a dream when i was form 1 and in my dream, i see that my mom is dead and i cried until i woke up the next morning only to find out it was just a dream.

• June 24th 2008, She really left me. I never thought that the dream i had becomes a reality. I didn't just lose my mom, i lose my strength. From that day until now, i was never the same awin like i used to and never will be. 

If people asked me what is the biggest lesson life has given me i would answer :

Nothing stays in this world, nothing

Happy mother's day ma,
Eventhough i might be talking to myself,
I just want you to know,
That your little girl has grown up so much,
She now learns how to cry by herself cause she know she lose the hand that always wipe her tears when she lose you, 
She now knows how to tell her stories to herself cause she just can't find anyone to listen like you did, 
She now realise that she has to pat her own back when she achieved something cause you're just not there anymore for her, 
She learnt that life is hard and she has to walk by herself cause you're not there to hold her hand anymore, 
And she wants you to know one more thing,
that she misses you , a lot,
and she actually hate everytime Mother's day is celebrated cause she hates seeing everyone else calling their mom and she's the only one who can't do that. 

Allah knows best

Assalamualaikum and hello dear readers :)

It has been so long since I updated my blog isn't it ? Ahhh I missed those free times when i can update my blog when i have any thoughts to be shared but then, Allah knows best isn't it ?

So, what am i going to share in this post ?

Actually, as everyone is aware of right now, most of the matriculation and foundation students have either finished their preparation for degree or going to end it soon. But for an ib student like me? Nahhh i have one more year ahead to go through before i can proceed to my degree.

A lot of people asked me, "don't you regret not going to matriculation as we have a chance to go oversea too and our syllabus is not as hard as yours ?"

Well, i have found the answer long time ago. The time when i had the thoughts of giving up. Guess where i found the answer?

From the love letter of course :)

I thought i was alone,
I thought i can't trust anyone cause no one is there when i need them the most,
But then little that i realise,
There is the one and only who never left my side,
who never failed to be there when i need HIM the most,
even after i have wronged HIM so much,

Oh Allah thanks for everything,


So, my dear . At the time where i can't decide to whom should i listen, i opened the love letter and HE gave me that verse. Subhanallah.

And now ? I'm not really bothered by the thoughts of envying my friends or whatsoever. I know no one knows me better than my lord, Allah azzawajalla. He have faith in me, to put me here in kmb, to face ib , means He have faith in me , and why shouldn't i be thankful of this blessing ?

Plus, KMB has taught me a lot. I really mean it. Before this, i never know what usrah is for , i never heard such word as tadabbur but glad Allah still wants to give me a chance to know HIM better inshaAllah :)

P/s: I think this is my last update for this sem as i only have 3 weeks before my sem 2 exam which will determine my university placement. Can you pray for me that i'll make it my dear ? :)

This novel of mine -Part 2

Now can we start the wedding please?  . Jane’s dad seems quite mad seeing the flow of the wedding. Well at least Jane was used to it since she was a child. Her dad was the chairman of the leading shipping company in Malaysia thus is very strict even with his one and only child , Jane .

“ Saya Daniel Johari bin Datuk Zamani terima nikahnya Alissa Jannah binti Datuk Kamal dengan mas kahwinnya senaskah Al-Quran “ replied Joey to his now father in law .

Swiftly the tears flowed down Jane’s cheek . In the same time she actually find Joey’s pronunciation in Malay is quite funny as that is her first time listening Joey speaking in Malay. So combined all , Jane is really fighting with her own feeling that moment . She knows that deep down inside she is touched by Joey’s willingness to marry her for the sake of her mother’s health . But marry ? Gosh then only Jane remember . Jane looks at her finger and upon seeing the Tiffany & Co ring on her finger , her thought flies to the past few month before the wedding .

 “You want pink or white for our wedding ?” asked Joey when the wedding planner called him just now . “You know I don’t care about this shit and since you care about it so much why don’t you just decide everything ?!“ said Jane and left Joey speechless . “Stop Jane ! I say stop “ Joey just could not be patient anymore with Jane’s attitude .

 Since the start of the planning , Jane never showed any interest in the details whereas Joey knew that it is so not Jane for not being particular with something that important .

“ Look Jane , I’m sorry ok . I’m sorry for everything that has happened before , I regret that “ uttered Joey as if whispering to Jane .

 “ Whoa the so always right Joey say sorry ? Like really ? or was I dreaming just now ? Ahh I must be dreaming did I ?” replied Jane with a cynical smile . 

  “ Ahh this is so not gonna end . I’ll never win if it’s against you “ Joey just seems hopeless looking at how Jane treat him . But deep down inside he knew he will have to be very patient . He knew Jane very well , when she’s mad no one can ever win against her . But once she has cooled down and start evaluating ,she gonna be just alright.

“Jane ? Jane ? Kiss your husband’s hand “ Jane’s mum voice wakes her up from her deep thought .     “ Husband ? Huh ? Whose husband mum ? “ Jane’s question arouse the laughter from the guests . “Haha silly you , your husband of course “ . Jane is so ashamed and looking in front just to see Joey is trying his best to hold his laugh .  Jane blushes as she always did and that alone is enough to make Joey enchanted to realise how beautiful Jane is . “Joey ? Joey ? Ok now we know both of them are just made for each other . Both love to dream in the middle of the crowd huh Joey ? Jane ?”said Jane’s mum watching Joey looking at Jane as if it is his first time.  So ashamed Jane quickly pull Joey’s hand and kisses his hand . All those flashes from the photographer does not bother Joey at all .

Joey now is convinced that he has made a right decision even he knows that Jane is not feeling the same at all .Never mind, let’s leave whatever Jane is feeling aside first thought Joey . He has a bigger plan to be think of right now . ...