I have never imagined life would turn out this way

I have never imagined, even in my wildest dream that life would turn out this way. 

Life as I remember when I was 10 years old was good. I was the English teacher's daughter who excelled in her study and was really motivated to get the best grades. Going to the school every day with my mom, eating breakfast with her at teacher's cafe, asking for money from her before fardhu ain class to buy that delicious mee celup and ABC, going back home with my favorite Pok Cik Dolloh who used to work for my mother, life really couldn't get any better that time. 

Me and my late grandmother 

Alin version toddler

Mom was really a good cook, I don't know how to properly exaggerate this but she was the head chef wherever she goes, whether at school or at any kenduri she went to help. Thus explains why I am such a picky eater, even until now. It was worst during that time. I wouldn't eat any other chicken part than wings, fish that wasn't fried crispy, any vegetables whatsoever. But mom, she was really patient in catering to my meals. Bless her and her kind heart. 

So naturally I thought, life would remain this way, easy and happy. 

But life don't work that way honey. 

4 years later I lost my mom. I was shattered to pieces, couldn't even speak for a whole month because no words can really describe the pain. Dad remarried, got me a stepmother I didn't ask for. So I stayed in hostel even during weekends, studied my ass off and applied for scholarships on my own. My relationship with Dad was not the most ideal at that moment. Having a stepmother who eventually kicked me out doesn't help either. 

I was just 18 years old at that time, just received my SPM result with 2 scholarships interview to attend and rm50 in my pocket. With all that, I went to KL alone to attend the interviews. I had a place to stay thanks to my sister's SIL who picked me up and let me stayed at her house. 

Fast forwarded to few years later, dad got a divorce with his ex wife after he had stroke. Funny how life taught me that in the worst time, you can really see who stays and who leaves. Dad was heartbroken, couldn't really eat as much as he used to and would sleep most of the time. 

After his divorce, I can see how he was really trying to make up to me. He would call me often and always ask me if I have enough pocket money. Until I graduated, both of us really tried to mend our relationship. Dad wasn't really an expressive person but he would always end our call with 'I love you'. 

After graduating, dad asked me to stay with him at my brother's house while I was working at the nearby pharmacy. I would cook whatever he requested at that time, be it laksa penang or mee kari or nasi kerabu or sup ekor siam. And he would always tell me that my cooking tasted as good as mom's. But every time, he would only eat half a plate even lesser some time. He would apologize for not finishing the meal and would always explain that it wasn't because of my cooking, it was him. 

Then I got my Provisional Registered Pharmacist placement offer at Hospital Wanita dan Kanak-kanak KL. He was really worried that I would have a hard time surviving that first 2 months without a pay so he paid for my deposits, my rent those 2 months and for everything that I need at that time. He couldn't send me to my new apartment because he really was having a hard time to walk at that time. 

Fast forwarded to 2 months later, I got my first real paycheck and I really wanted to treat him to anything he wanted to buy. But dad just said that he wanted an al-Quran that he saw at GoShop that can help him memories all the surah easier. I asked him if that really was all he wanted and that I can buy more than that and he said yes. 

Dad then went to Batu Pahat to live with my sister during school break. Life was going normally until one day my sister informed me that Dad was really not feeling well. He was having high fever and he fell down in the toilet. I know then that I have to go see my father immediately and so I informed my boss and bought the next available bus ticket to Batu Pahat. 

As I arrived at my sister's house, there he was lying weakly on his bed, shivering. I held my tears, measured his blood pressure and temperature and told my sister that we really have to bring him to the hospital. 

Dad then was pushed into the red zone because his blood pressure was dangerously low with a really high body temperature. Doctor immediately suspected sepsis. 

I took turns with my siblings to take care of him. One day when it was my turn, he had a really bad diarrhea that day probably due to the antibiotics so I had to change his diapers a few times that day. He kept apologizing to me and said that he really don't like being sick like this and troubling all of us. I cried and told him that it's okay, that he's gonna get better soon. 

He then told me

" Alin anak abah yang baik. Abah redha semua yang abah bagi alin selama ni. Abah mintak maaf semua salah abah selama ni"

I cried and apologized too him too. I really didn't want to believe that he was saying his last words to me so I brushed it off and I asked him to not speak like that. I told him that he will be better, he will be discharged and that I will cook whatever he wanted to eat later on. 

Every day, I would recite yasin to him and he would correct me if he hears any wrong tajwid. I would then tell him that he has to teach me all the tajwids again after he gets discharged.

But he never did. His blood pressure keeps dropping one day and doctor then decided to intubate him. I didn't know that was the last time I ever get to speak to him. But I will always be forever grateful that I got to tell him how much I loved him. 

He was in ICU for 6 long days. And on a blessed friday, right during the Zohor athan, Dad passed away. He always told us he wished to pass away on Friday so his prayers was answered. 

And I was again, speechless. I didn't know that I would have to face this again. What was left in me broke again. I didn't know if I can survive this again. I really thought Dad would get to see me getting married and play with my children. But Allah is indeed the best planner. 

I pray to Allah that you're happy there Dad, with mom. We carried out your final wish and buried you right next to mom as you wanted. I hope you can see that your not so little Alin is now married to that good guy you used to praise after you met him 7 years ago. I want you to know that I'll always remember all our memories, all the knowledge you taught me and that I'll appreciate every day and live happily until it is time to meet both of you again. 

              ❤

Last raya picture with Abah