Poem

She lies awake at night,

wondering if the skies would remain dark,

wondering if it can shed some light,

and those what ifs kept her awake,

though her deepest dream is to divulge in dreams,

where pain is just a tale,

a tale she wouldn't have to know,

but how could she?

when the pain seems to be made of her, 

she couldn't help but to pray for some rainbows,

pray that it could take away some of the pains, 

because she's just a girl who once dreamed of a happy ending

"Allah kan ada" , kenapa nak sedih kan?

It has been so long since I updated this old blog of mine. There have been so many things happening all at the same time that almost made me feel like giving up. Like I don't know if I can endure this any longer.

My first test started as soon as I received my IB result. Getting 35 points, I can't really feel happy eventhough for others it would mean that the points would have definitely passed to fly overseas. Because my story is way different than others. But still, I tried going to MARA office, Peneraju office to appeal but somehow I found a dead end. So I thought well that's it. I'm just gonna continue local then.

But then, I got an email from UCAS stating that there has been a change in my uni application and as I checked, I found out that I got an unconditional offer from my dream university, University College London. I would have jumped except for the fact that I knew my sponsor would not send me there because I didn't get 36 points.

A friend of mine motivated me to remark  my paper because I'm only one point away from getting 36. So I did. And hope starting to blossom again. While waiting for the remark, I did try contacting other scholarship but the answers all the same. It's whether the date has been closed or they didn't sponsor medical students anymore.

While waiting for the result, I was tested again as I heard the news of my big brother that suffered second degree burn when his house was burnt down due to short circuit. Watching your own brother clenching his teeth to endure the pain, I felt numb. It was really hard seeing the person you care about suffering so much and there's so little that you can do.

And the remark result came out. My result did not change and there goes my last hope to study in ucl.
Hope after hopes crushed, I started to feel hopeless. I thought maybe I'm supposed to give up then.

But wallahi, every single time that thought crossed my mind, Allah showed me how others are tested way harder than I am right now. Going to the hospital back and forth every day to take care of my brother, I saw others that are in so much more pain than what I'm going through. There are others that have to sacrifice so much more for their loved ones.

And so I realise that He's trying to teach me something through this. He's trying to show me that there are better things waiting for me. And as long as I remember that He never leave my side, I'm going to be just fine.

Acceptance

Salam.

So, here is a verse that He gave to me when I was so tired fighting for my dream and Subhanallah.. indeed there is no words as beautiful as His ;)

The thing about us human is that, we plan and we work hard to achieve our goals and when we fail, we felt so disappointed we forgot that Allah is the best planner of all. And I, was one of them. I forgot.

I forgot that despite of how hard I studied to achieve my dream to study overseas, despite of how tired I was when I went to and fro to my college, Pejabat MARA and pejabat Peneraju to appeal, the thing is when it's written so, you can try so hard but still you can't change it.

And so I learnt the value of acceptance the hard way.

The same way I will learn to embrace my new journey here. May Allah ease

Like an infinity I cannot fathom into numbers

Here's to the most amazing, caring and loving person I have ever met, my mom

Happy 58th birthday ma,
I miss you so much over these years,
That i grew numb to the pain,

Eventhough by mere eyes i cannot see you,
But I feel you,
Flowing through my vein,
Through every lonely night I faced missing you,
Through all the times I thought I was done but your memories keep me going,
Through every happiness I wish you'd be there watching me,

I love you mom,
And I never meant to make it past tense,
Because it's a forever thing,
It's the kind of love I would keep for the rest of my life,

You know why?
Because loving you is so effortless,
And painful at times,
But it hurts me in a good way,
In a way it reminds me how losing you taught me to grow up,

And I did ma,
I did,

And i know you're always watching me,
And i hope i make you proud,


Al-fatihah to my late mom.

In your life,
There will be times,
When you thought that you were doomed,
That you're going to spend the rest of your life,
Stargazing alone and have no one to tell about it,

And I have had those times,
So dark and alone,
So deserted I thought no one would ever able to find me,

Until our path cross,
Until you found me,
and suddenly it wasn't all pitch dark anymore,

and I'll forever be thankful for our little collision,
because if it wasn't for it,
twilight would still be my sky,
and i would not still have you,

and you know what?

that would be,
the loneliest vision I've ever imagined,

as how can a constellation works without the stars.

A poem

Too many things to say,
They're being left speechless most of the times,
Even "numb" is not the right word to describe,
How a girl can feel nothing to feel,

It's always uncanny,
How she tried so hard for that someone,
And the only thing she ever gets is that shitty feeling of unappreciated,

'Well maybe it's my fault',
Is how she tells herself every single time,
But even her can tell that enough is enough,

And so she moved on,
and funny enough then only she knows that she actually meant something,
Something she never thought she is ever capable of being,

But then she has just had enough,
Nothing short of miracle will ever able to bring 'her' back,

Because for her,
The old version of her has brought nothing but pain to her life,
And she's just not strong enough to continue being that girl,

That girl who just,
Can't stop blaming herself for things she didn't do,
Can't even solve a problem by her own,

And,
Can't even let a day passed without talking to him,

But he'll never know how she felt that time,
And even if he knows now,

It's just too late,
Cause she ain't turning back,
And she's gonna continue walking,
Till god knows if she's gonna fall in love again,

With him,
or with whoever she's destined to be with

Future seems a bit scary isn't it?

Hey dearies :)

It has been so long since I actually got the chance to even open my blog let alone to write it. Yeah well, what more to say than i'm an ib student -_-

For those who have never heard of IB, well here's a friendly meaning from urban dictionary :

                           

                                     
                           

Ok now enough of a little peek inside the fancy euphemism of hell, I actually need to blog this time because i'm so worried and i can't find anyone to be bothered about this. 

What am i worried about?

Well, future. I have just started applying for UK universities through UCAS and goddd it's so nerve breaking. Like shit, this thing suddenly feels real to me.

Plus, it's just about 6* months to IB exam and boy i'm not ready for it at all.

Not that i'm a slacker or what but guys unless you've been through ib, you'll never know what to imagine.

And it's a freaking sem 3 where we have to submit our mini thesis called Extended Essay (4000* words research about any subject in our syllabus) , our TOK essay ( a subject which question why apple is called an apple -.-), our IA's ( business commentary - 1500 words) and plus oral assesment(S), lab report(S) and a thousand other things you wouldn't even wish to know.

And now?

I've so far narrowed down my choice to:

1) University of Nottingham

2) University of Bath

3) Bristol

4) University of Manchester

5) King's College London

I'm just so nervous about my future right now. My only best hope is to let Allah decide what's best for me and try my best in IB. 

Well, i think that's it. 

Nice to finally able to let this thing out of my head :D

P/s: Pray for this poor nerve wreck girl will you?