Like an infinity I cannot fathom into numbers

Here's to the most amazing, caring and loving person I have ever met, my mom

Happy 58th birthday ma,
I miss you so much over these years,
That i grew numb to the pain,

Eventhough by mere eyes i cannot see you,
But I feel you,
Flowing through my vein,
Through every lonely night I faced missing you,
Through all the times I thought I was done but your memories keep me going,
Through every happiness I wish you'd be there watching me,

I love you mom,
And I never meant to make it past tense,
Because it's a forever thing,
It's the kind of love I would keep for the rest of my life,

You know why?
Because loving you is so effortless,
And painful at times,
But it hurts me in a good way,
In a way it reminds me how losing you taught me to grow up,

And I did ma,
I did,

And i know you're always watching me,
And i hope i make you proud,


Al-fatihah to my late mom.

In your life,
There will be times,
When you thought that you were doomed,
That you're going to spend the rest of your life,
Stargazing alone and have no one to tell about it,

And I have had those times,
So dark and alone,
So deserted I thought no one would ever able to find me,

Until our path cross,
Until you found me,
and suddenly it wasn't all pitch dark anymore,

and I'll forever be thankful for our little collision,
because if it wasn't for it,
twilight would still be my sky,
and i would not still have you,

and you know what?

that would be,
the loneliest vision I've ever imagined,

as how can a constellation works without the stars.

A poem

Too many things to say,
They're being left speechless most of the times,
Even "numb" is not the right word to describe,
How a girl can feel nothing to feel,

It's always uncanny,
How she tried so hard for that someone,
And the only thing she ever gets is that shitty feeling of unappreciated,

'Well maybe it's my fault',
Is how she tells herself every single time,
But even her can tell that enough is enough,

And so she moved on,
and funny enough then only she knows that she actually meant something,
Something she never thought she is ever capable of being,

But then she has just had enough,
Nothing short of miracle will ever able to bring 'her' back,

Because for her,
The old version of her has brought nothing but pain to her life,
And she's just not strong enough to continue being that girl,

That girl who just,
Can't stop blaming herself for things she didn't do,
Can't even solve a problem by her own,

And,
Can't even let a day passed without talking to him,

But he'll never know how she felt that time,
And even if he knows now,

It's just too late,
Cause she ain't turning back,
And she's gonna continue walking,
Till god knows if she's gonna fall in love again,

With him,
or with whoever she's destined to be with

Future seems a bit scary isn't it?

Hey dearies :)

It has been so long since I actually got the chance to even open my blog let alone to write it. Yeah well, what more to say than i'm an ib student -_-

For those who have never heard of IB, well here's a friendly meaning from urban dictionary :

                           

                                     
                           

Ok now enough of a little peek inside the fancy euphemism of hell, I actually need to blog this time because i'm so worried and i can't find anyone to be bothered about this. 

What am i worried about?

Well, future. I have just started applying for UK universities through UCAS and goddd it's so nerve breaking. Like shit, this thing suddenly feels real to me.

Plus, it's just about 6* months to IB exam and boy i'm not ready for it at all.

Not that i'm a slacker or what but guys unless you've been through ib, you'll never know what to imagine.

And it's a freaking sem 3 where we have to submit our mini thesis called Extended Essay (4000* words research about any subject in our syllabus) , our TOK essay ( a subject which question why apple is called an apple -.-), our IA's ( business commentary - 1500 words) and plus oral assesment(S), lab report(S) and a thousand other things you wouldn't even wish to know.

And now?

I've so far narrowed down my choice to:

1) University of Nottingham

2) University of Bath

3) Bristol

4) University of Manchester

5) King's College London

I'm just so nervous about my future right now. My only best hope is to let Allah decide what's best for me and try my best in IB. 

Well, i think that's it. 

Nice to finally able to let this thing out of my head :D

P/s: Pray for this poor nerve wreck girl will you? 

A story - Numb

Numb.

That was exactly the right word to describe how she has been feeling these days.

She knew that deep down; her heart is broken so bad she just couldn’t combine the pieces anymore.

 Losing her mom without any short notice or alarm or just a reminder that she should had behaved as a good daughter is just so unbearable to her.

She could have easily told her family members about how she is feeling at that time but she just couldn’t.

How can she?

The only one she would talk to at that time is just too far away no amount of distance could have reunited them, unless one tiny definite thing called …

DEATH

 Well, maybe she’s exaggerating.

Maybe other people are losing their feet while she’s mourning for her lost shoe but she just couldn’t care less.

And again that night, she woke up crying.

 The same dream she had since the “day”.

She knew exactly the meaning of the dream.

She knew she has to rise above this.

She knew the rain wasn’t over yet.

She knew the storm has yet to come.

A father.

Yeah she knew she still has that.

But nobody seems to get it.

 Mom’s death means that they can easily throw away her one and only father.

 She felt the pain throbbing through her chest.

Every time he came back, nobody seems to care anymore like mom did.

Nobody seems to be getting him water despite of his obvious frown.

She knew how much her father has been keeping everything inside.

 She knew how he suffered after mom’s death.

 She knew everything but she just couldn’t say a word anymore.

All she ever knew is that she still has her father and that she would do anything it takes to make him happy again.

 Even if it means she has to learn how to mince the onions despite of how many times she cried because she never knew that onions and past memories of her mom in the kitchen can make her cry that hard.

Yeah.

 That part is what she never knew before.

But what she knew is, she was a complete mess.

 She cooked that night and forgot to put any salt.

 But she didn’t even realise until she tasted it herself.

She felt like crying for the thousandth times seeing how her father just ate the meal as if it was the best meal he has ever tasted.

She gotta admit that was all she needed to be normal again.

But then you know life?

When you think it's over, apparently your problems are just starting,

and hell yes her worst nightmare is just starting to get into picture

Keep calm, He knows

Sometimes,

 we feel like the rest of the world is against us, 

but darling don't you remember, 

He's always there by your side, 

Sometimes,

we feel like we face the greatest lost, 

but darling did you forget ?

Hasbunallah wani'mal wakil (Cukuplah Allah sebagai penolong kami, dan Allah adalah sebaik-baik tempat bersandar).

(3. 173)

Sometimes, 

You think that everyone else is being unfair to you, 

but darling remember, 

one of His name is Al- Adl, 

and He is the only one you can hope for, 

that will never be unfair to His servants

and darling please remember one thing, 

when you feel so alone and sad, 

He's always there,

waiting for you to cry to Him,

and yet the best part is,

He never even left :)

You're lucky if

You're lucky if :

You have the one and only who'll never got tired to babble to you no matter how many times.

You have the person who would never ignore you no matter how big your mistakes to them are.

 You were being pushed by everyone else, but you have that one person you can go to no matter how hard things get. 

You have that one person who would believe you for the world no matter how many people pointed at you.

 You have that one who would wipe your tears no matter how ridiculous it was about. 

 You have the one who would cook for you your favourite food every single time you're home.

 You have the person who would buy every single cosmetics product when she noticed one tiny pimple on your face. 

 You have that one who would actually not sleep the whole night when you're sick.

And also you have the one who would wait impatiently for you to come home, just to welcome you. 

You know why you're so lucky ?

Cause i don't have all that,

while you still have your guardian angel, your mom.

Miss you mom forever and always. Al-Fatihah to my late mom.