A story - Numb

Numb.

That was exactly the right word to describe how she has been feeling these days.

She knew that deep down; her heart is broken so bad she just couldn’t combine the pieces anymore.

 Losing her mom without any short notice or alarm or just a reminder that she should had behaved as a good daughter is just so unbearable to her.

She could have easily told her family members about how she is feeling at that time but she just couldn’t.

How can she?

The only one she would talk to at that time is just too far away no amount of distance could have reunited them, unless one tiny definite thing called …

DEATH

 Well, maybe she’s exaggerating.

Maybe other people are losing their feet while she’s mourning for her lost shoe but she just couldn’t care less.

And again that night, she woke up crying.

 The same dream she had since the “day”.

She knew exactly the meaning of the dream.

She knew she has to rise above this.

She knew the rain wasn’t over yet.

She knew the storm has yet to come.

A father.

Yeah she knew she still has that.

But nobody seems to get it.

 Mom’s death means that they can easily throw away her one and only father.

 She felt the pain throbbing through her chest.

Every time he came back, nobody seems to care anymore like mom did.

Nobody seems to be getting him water despite of his obvious frown.

She knew how much her father has been keeping everything inside.

 She knew how he suffered after mom’s death.

 She knew everything but she just couldn’t say a word anymore.

All she ever knew is that she still has her father and that she would do anything it takes to make him happy again.

 Even if it means she has to learn how to mince the onions despite of how many times she cried because she never knew that onions and past memories of her mom in the kitchen can make her cry that hard.

Yeah.

 That part is what she never knew before.

But what she knew is, she was a complete mess.

 She cooked that night and forgot to put any salt.

 But she didn’t even realise until she tasted it herself.

She felt like crying for the thousandth times seeing how her father just ate the meal as if it was the best meal he has ever tasted.

She gotta admit that was all she needed to be normal again.

But then you know life?

When you think it's over, apparently your problems are just starting,

and hell yes her worst nightmare is just starting to get into picture

Keep calm, He knows

Sometimes,

 we feel like the rest of the world is against us, 

but darling don't you remember, 

He's always there by your side, 

Sometimes,

we feel like we face the greatest lost, 

but darling did you forget ?

Hasbunallah wani'mal wakil (Cukuplah Allah sebagai penolong kami, dan Allah adalah sebaik-baik tempat bersandar).

(3. 173)

Sometimes, 

You think that everyone else is being unfair to you, 

but darling remember, 

one of His name is Al- Adl, 

and He is the only one you can hope for, 

that will never be unfair to His servants

and darling please remember one thing, 

when you feel so alone and sad, 

He's always there,

waiting for you to cry to Him,

and yet the best part is,

He never even left :)

You're lucky if

You're lucky if :

You have the one and only who'll never got tired to babble to you no matter how many times.

You have the person who would never ignore you no matter how big your mistakes to them are.

 You were being pushed by everyone else, but you have that one person you can go to no matter how hard things get. 

You have that one person who would believe you for the world no matter how many people pointed at you.

 You have that one who would wipe your tears no matter how ridiculous it was about. 

 You have the one who would cook for you your favourite food every single time you're home.

 You have the person who would buy every single cosmetics product when she noticed one tiny pimple on your face. 

 You have that one who would actually not sleep the whole night when you're sick.

And also you have the one who would wait impatiently for you to come home, just to welcome you. 

You know why you're so lucky ?

Cause i don't have all that,

while you still have your guardian angel, your mom.

Miss you mom forever and always. Al-Fatihah to my late mom.

Cause she is not just any woman, she is my mom

Hi dear readers :) And assalamualaikum to my muslim's readers.

It's 2.38 a.m in the morning and i still cannot close my eyes. Why? Lots of reasons actually which few of them is i gonna face my final like 3 days from now and then another reason is...

It's Mother's Day today and i , I , I really just want to make one special post  to reminisce all the memories I once had with my mother cause let's just say, I miss her, A lot.

So, here it goes.

• My mother brought me to this world on 25th of November 1994 by caesarean surgery at Hospital Bukit Mertajam, Pulau Pinang. Apparently, i was the only one out of 8 siblings that is born through surgery which until today makes me feel guilty for making her go through that sick process.

• I still remember the time when i use my savings (daripada tabung yang keluar music setiap kali letak syiling tu hehe) to buy my mom a batik pyjamas for her birthday.

• And those years of darjah 4,5,6 when my mom was my English teacher ( and i was really confused whether to call her ma or teacher :D). Having breakfast with her everyday at school, asking her money like three times a day cause my mom was always at the staff room and also that prank when she told me i didn't get 5A's in UPSR when actually she knew the result already.

• I am the last child so i was teased really badly by my five brothers and one uncle. Everytime i was teased, i will always find my mom, cried on her lap until i fell asleep and when i woke up i will always find out that my brothers had been scolded already by my hero,my mom.

• I was really thin back then because i was really choosy and only eat what i like. So, what she did is that she always ensure everyday's menu is my favourite( and she was the best cook ever i tell you)

• She was my model. If she bought jubah,I would ask for a jubah too and she would buy me the exact jubah for me even it was very hard to find the appropriate one for kids.

• 2007,I got a dream when i was form 1 and in my dream, i see that my mom is dead and i cried until i woke up the next morning only to find out it was just a dream.

• June 24th 2008, She really left me. I never thought that the dream i had becomes a reality. I didn't just lose my mom, i lose my strength. From that day until now, i was never the same awin like i used to and never will be. 

If people asked me what is the biggest lesson life has given me i would answer :

Nothing stays in this world, nothing

Happy mother's day ma,
Eventhough i might be talking to myself,
I just want you to know,
That your little girl has grown up so much,
She now learns how to cry by herself cause she know she lose the hand that always wipe her tears when she lose you, 
She now knows how to tell her stories to herself cause she just can't find anyone to listen like you did, 
She now realise that she has to pat her own back when she achieved something cause you're just not there anymore for her, 
She learnt that life is hard and she has to walk by herself cause you're not there to hold her hand anymore, 
And she wants you to know one more thing,
that she misses you , a lot,
and she actually hate everytime Mother's day is celebrated cause she hates seeing everyone else calling their mom and she's the only one who can't do that. 

Allah knows best

Assalamualaikum and hello dear readers :)

It has been so long since I updated my blog isn't it ? Ahhh I missed those free times when i can update my blog when i have any thoughts to be shared but then, Allah knows best isn't it ?

So, what am i going to share in this post ?

Actually, as everyone is aware of right now, most of the matriculation and foundation students have either finished their preparation for degree or going to end it soon. But for an ib student like me? Nahhh i have one more year ahead to go through before i can proceed to my degree.

A lot of people asked me, "don't you regret not going to matriculation as we have a chance to go oversea too and our syllabus is not as hard as yours ?"

Well, i have found the answer long time ago. The time when i had the thoughts of giving up. Guess where i found the answer?

From the love letter of course :)

I thought i was alone,
I thought i can't trust anyone cause no one is there when i need them the most,
But then little that i realise,
There is the one and only who never left my side,
who never failed to be there when i need HIM the most,
even after i have wronged HIM so much,

Oh Allah thanks for everything,


So, my dear . At the time where i can't decide to whom should i listen, i opened the love letter and HE gave me that verse. Subhanallah.

And now ? I'm not really bothered by the thoughts of envying my friends or whatsoever. I know no one knows me better than my lord, Allah azzawajalla. He have faith in me, to put me here in kmb, to face ib , means He have faith in me , and why shouldn't i be thankful of this blessing ?

Plus, KMB has taught me a lot. I really mean it. Before this, i never know what usrah is for , i never heard such word as tadabbur but glad Allah still wants to give me a chance to know HIM better inshaAllah :)

P/s: I think this is my last update for this sem as i only have 3 weeks before my sem 2 exam which will determine my university placement. Can you pray for me that i'll make it my dear ? :)

This novel of mine -Part 2

Now can we start the wedding please?  . Jane’s dad seems quite mad seeing the flow of the wedding. Well at least Jane was used to it since she was a child. Her dad was the chairman of the leading shipping company in Malaysia thus is very strict even with his one and only child , Jane .

“ Saya Daniel Johari bin Datuk Zamani terima nikahnya Alissa Jannah binti Datuk Kamal dengan mas kahwinnya senaskah Al-Quran “ replied Joey to his now father in law .

Swiftly the tears flowed down Jane’s cheek . In the same time she actually find Joey’s pronunciation in Malay is quite funny as that is her first time listening Joey speaking in Malay. So combined all , Jane is really fighting with her own feeling that moment . She knows that deep down inside she is touched by Joey’s willingness to marry her for the sake of her mother’s health . But marry ? Gosh then only Jane remember . Jane looks at her finger and upon seeing the Tiffany & Co ring on her finger , her thought flies to the past few month before the wedding .

 “You want pink or white for our wedding ?” asked Joey when the wedding planner called him just now . “You know I don’t care about this shit and since you care about it so much why don’t you just decide everything ?!“ said Jane and left Joey speechless . “Stop Jane ! I say stop “ Joey just could not be patient anymore with Jane’s attitude .

 Since the start of the planning , Jane never showed any interest in the details whereas Joey knew that it is so not Jane for not being particular with something that important .

“ Look Jane , I’m sorry ok . I’m sorry for everything that has happened before , I regret that “ uttered Joey as if whispering to Jane .

 “ Whoa the so always right Joey say sorry ? Like really ? or was I dreaming just now ? Ahh I must be dreaming did I ?” replied Jane with a cynical smile . 

  “ Ahh this is so not gonna end . I’ll never win if it’s against you “ Joey just seems hopeless looking at how Jane treat him . But deep down inside he knew he will have to be very patient . He knew Jane very well , when she’s mad no one can ever win against her . But once she has cooled down and start evaluating ,she gonna be just alright.

“Jane ? Jane ? Kiss your husband’s hand “ Jane’s mum voice wakes her up from her deep thought .     “ Husband ? Huh ? Whose husband mum ? “ Jane’s question arouse the laughter from the guests . “Haha silly you , your husband of course “ . Jane is so ashamed and looking in front just to see Joey is trying his best to hold his laugh .  Jane blushes as she always did and that alone is enough to make Joey enchanted to realise how beautiful Jane is . “Joey ? Joey ? Ok now we know both of them are just made for each other . Both love to dream in the middle of the crowd huh Joey ? Jane ?”said Jane’s mum watching Joey looking at Jane as if it is his first time.  So ashamed Jane quickly pull Joey’s hand and kisses his hand . All those flashes from the photographer does not bother Joey at all .

Joey now is convinced that he has made a right decision even he knows that Jane is not feeling the same at all .Never mind, let’s leave whatever Jane is feeling aside first thought Joey . He has a bigger plan to be think of right now . ...

This novel of mine :)

“What was she thinking at that time ! “ Jane cannot stop getting mad with herself for accepting Joey in the first place . “ “ Why was I so stupid for thinking maybe he’s not the same like the other guy . Why ohhh why ? “

All those thoughts are lingering in her head until her blackberry vibrates . “ Uhh , joey ! Whatever this moron want from me this time “ , but still her hand grab the phone to see joey’s bbm .

“ Got something important to talk to you . See you 3pm at usual place “

“Whatever Joey whatever “ , Jane just throws her phone on her bed and cuddles in her blanket . Little does she know seconds after that her tears just flowed swiftly as she just could not deny how much she still care about Joey .

“Stupid Joey stupid me. Ahh I got to sort this out before I become any crazier “Picking up her phone, she started to get herself ready. Yeah Joey, it has been two years and we’re still clinging on this tiny invisible string which I don’t even know what to call.

Putting on pink lipstick and a bit of baby powder, Jane knows herself better. She just doesn’t have to put too much effort. So , going out of her house wearing white peplum with red skirt and black head scarf , she just look as elegant as she always did . Looking at the fact, it’s not that no one tried to tackle her, but it’s her cold reaction that can scare anyone who made a move on her and also she got a tiny little problem she couldn’t solve .

 Her mum, she was too scared to tell her mum about the reality of her relationship with Joey as she knew how much her mum adores Joey and how her health will be affected if she knew the truth. “This bloody thing is freaking complicated “, mumbled Jane as she is waiting for Joey. “Talking about me darling? “  . Joey just appeared out of nowhere looking like the Hugo Boss model as always , well at least in Jane’s vision that is how Joey always s appears to her .

“Whatever Joey whatever. You said you wanted to tell something important .Shoot. “Keeping her composure, Jane just pretend as if she felt nothing when inside her heartbeat just uncontrollable .

“Well Jane , I  hope you’ll listen “ * phone vibrate . “Wait, I got a call, it’s from daddy “quickly Jane answered the call. “Yeah daddy, whattt ?! Ok I’ll go now.”   “Why? What the hell just happened?“ Joey just pulled Jane’s hand asking for explanation.

“Let go of my hand you fool . FYI , It’s none of your business and now can you just please let go of my hand! “ “Ok , I’m sorry . Now can you just please tell me what’s happening? “begged Joey . “Just shut up and get into the car please ?” Jane just cannot acts cool anymore and drive like she owns the road . Upon reaching the hospital , she just leaves the car with Joey and asks him to park it for her . “Lucky I’ve known you long enough Jane “ , mumbled Joey seeing Jane being panic as hell .

Joey rushes to the ward just to see Jane’s sad expression beside her mother’s bed. “ What’s wrong Jane ? Hye auntie “Smiled Joey and kissed Jane’s mum like he always did. Joey notices Jane’s making face but he just acts natural. “Glad you came Joey” smiled Jane’s mum while trying hard to sit. “Let me help you auntie” offered Joey upon seeing how hard Jane’s mum tries.

“Thanks Joey. U’re a great guy, glad my daughter found someone like you ““Mum please , don’t flatter him too much” cut Jane as she is a bit fed up to continue that conversation. “I haven’t finished my sentence yet Jane. Can you guys especially Jane, listen carefully what I’m trying to say?”  “Ok now I really want to go from here fast” thought Jane as she feels as if she knows what her mum is trying to say the next second. “You know I won’t last any longer with emm you guys know about my cancer. And I really have a favour I would like to ask you guys” uttered Jane’s mum and that only is enough to make Jane’s heart drop .

“Yes mum , anything for you . Now can you please stop saying that as you gonna stick around mum. You gonna see my kids mum , I’ll even let you take care of them” Jane just couldn’t hold her emotion anymore listening to her mum’s sad voice .

Reaching for Jane’s hand , her mum said “I know you guys have been together long enough for me to assure that Joey can really take care of you Jane,my one and only princess and , before I close this eyes of mine, I would be the happiest mum if you, Joey would like to take my daughter as your wife” 

Feeling like a bomb just explode , Jane just sit and gives a blank expression. “I would be honoured auntie, of course I’ll grant that wish of yours” answered Joey looking as sincere as he can.

Jane cannot deny how relieved she feels looking at her mother’s happy face upon hearing Joey saying yes . But Jane remember Jane! Joey left you , don’t you remember how miserable you was two years ago? How much tears you’ve wasted for that guy? To know the fact that Joey never really disappear from her life . Well yeah , he knew everything Jane did , from who did Jane met to how Jane dressed up . Yeah, Joey can appear scary sometime. But that is what actually made Jane confused. She’s not sure what Joey really wants , and now that Joey has agreed to marry her, only God knows what gonna happen next .

“Little bitchy Joey, why do you this to me? I freaking hate you so much I wish you have no one to marry on your wedding day. But I’m your bride , that’s why you’re so bitch Joey” mumbled Jane when she’s being make up by the makeup artist . “Now look at the bride , isn’t she looks gorgeous but with an if , if you just add some smile dear “ “Yeah right , the day I gonna start smiling back is after I got divorced from that guy” thought Jane as she was being carried to the mosque .

Now can we start the wedding please?

P/s: To be continued ... and please leave some comments whether it's good or it's boring . I just did this to fill my free time during the sem break :)